Breakups suck — but they arguably suck more than ever thanks to social media. Before our modern era, people floated in and out of our lives. You might’ve forgotten someone you’ve previously dated. If not, at least you couldn’t see their daily moves at your fingertips.
“Social media has changed the way that people naturally come in and out of your life,” said the author of I Do (I Think) and the Emotional Support Lady Substack, Allison Raskin. “While it’s nice to still see updates from your elementary school friends, it can be uncomfortable to still be privy to the lives of people we’ve let go for a reason.”
A childhood friend is one thing, but what about dodging your ex’s social media accounts? Mashable asked the experts what to do — and not do — on platforms after a breakup.
Getting over a breakup in the digital age
Before we dive into the dos and don’ts, let’s dig into why breakups are so difficult — especially today. There are biological, psychological, and evolutionary reasons behind the pain.
Hormones and neurotransmitters that are active when we fall in love — such as dopamine, serotonin, cortisol, norepinephrine, and oxytocin — also activate when we’re going through a breakup according to relationship coach for politicized people and Ph.D. in human sexuality studies, Melissa Fabello. This could be because both falling in and out of love activates our primal need for connection.
For example, dopamine (the “feel good” hormone) is high when we’re with a new partner. When we get the “reward,” our new partner’s attention, we get a hit of dopamine. But during a breakup, we’re not getting that reward. You’re not getting that dopamine hit, and you may end up feeling off-balance.
“The way that I think social media plays into this so strongly in both cases, falling in love and a breakup, is you have so much access to information,” Fabello said. When you have a crush, you check their Instagram posts, stories, what they did for their birthday last year, and such. When you’re going through a breakup you can do the same thing, but now the questions change: Are they seeing someone new? Are they happy?
Fabello encourages people going through this to ask themselves: How do I regulate myself enough that I’m making choices around social media that serve me and don’t cause the other person harm? Are you hurting yourself by looking through your ex’s profile? Are you doing this to upset yourself, or make yourself angry?
DON’T: Creep or obsess over your ex on social media
We’re curious by nature, and if you catch yourself looking at your ex’s Instagram stories once in a while and having feelings about it, that may not be a big deal, Fabello continued. But are you creating a fake account to check your ex’s account because they blocked you? That would be crossing boundaries.
“Don’t check their friends’ profiles and definitely don’t become a detective to find out who they might be dating.”
“Resist obsessively checking your ex’s profile,” echoed eharmony sex and relationships expert Todd Baratz, LMHC. “Don’t check their friends’ profiles and definitely don’t become a detective to find out who they might be dating. This prolongs the healing process and keeps you emotionally stuck,” Todd said.
The line is: Are you hurting yourself or someone else with your behavior?
DO: Unfollow, mute, or block if needed
“Unfollow or mute accounts (including your ex’s) that trigger negative feelings,” said Baratz, who also suggested following accounts like mental health advocates, wellness pages, or people who inspire self-growth and positivity.
Mashable After Dark
Raskin advised the same. “If you have complicated feelings toward someone who you don’t talk to anymore and seeing their posts causes you discomfort or even outright pain, I think it’s better to avoid their profiles altogether,” she said. “The mute function is a beautiful thing!”
“The mute function is a beautiful thing!”
“Social media is always a distortion of the truth and checking can become obsessive so steering clear of your ex online is the greatest gift you can give yourself as you try to heal. It will also help you establish a new daily routine and move forward faster,” she continued.
DON’T: Gossip about your ex
Don’t blame, express anger, or post intimate details about the breakup online, Baratz said.
“Don’t make passive-aggressive posts or cryptic messages about your exit,” he noted. “It’s not a productive use of your time or emotional energy. Instead, channel your focus toward your growth, which will pay off in the long run.”
It’s cool to vent to friends privately about your feelings. Doing so in public might bring unwanted attention to both you and your ex, and you might regret it later.
DO: Enlist the help of friends
…well, certain friends. If a friend enables you to check and recheck your ex’s feed, or can’t stop dishing about your ex’s new partner, they may not be the best person to come to when you’re feeling out of sorts about the breakup.
Do you have friends who will tell you that checking your ex’s Instagram stories isn’t a good idea? Will one hold you accountable if you ask them to? Say, if you’re talking too much about the breakup, maybe they can send you a certain emoji as a signal to pause and take a second to breathe, Fabello offered.
DON’T: Post thirst traps
Resist posting things intended to get your ex’s attention, Baratz said.
There’s nothing wrong with posting a spicy photo of yourself, but reflect on your motives. “Am I being manipulative? Am I being passive aggressive?” are two questions Fabello encourages you to ask yourself.
With all of these don’ts, also ask yourself whether you’re acting like the person you want to be. “Is that the person I want to be in the world?” Fabello asked. “Having a pause to ask yourself is important.”
DO: Consider a social media detox
We know that social media impacts our mental health. Baratz pointed out that millennials and Gen Z agree that their biggest insecurity while dating is actually their mental health (32 percent for millennials and 27 percent for Gen Z, according to a recent eharmony report).
When we’re going through a life transition, that can be compounded. “Consider stepping away from social media entirely for a while. A break can help you focus on processing emotions without distractions or comparisons which can cause unnecessary pressure,” Baratz said.
DO: Regulate your emotions
This might be easier said than done, especially if you don’t have access to mental health help. But breakups can be devastating: Research shows that “love rejection” can result in depression and, in extreme cases, violence towards oneself or others.
If you’re feeling down, angry, or anxious, know that it’s okay — and there is a scientific explanation. “It can be helpful sometimes [to know] the science piece just for the logical part of your brain to be like, ‘I’m not crazy. I’m just heartbroken and I’m grieving,'” Fabello said. What’s not okay, however, is not keeping your behavior in check.
If you’re able to, talk to a therapist about how you’re feeling. You can practice emotional regulation skills like practicing mindfulness or taking a walk. Before you type your ex’s name into the Instagram search bar, for example, take a breath. Do you really want to do that right now? Will you hurt your own feelings over what you see?
And if it’s really difficult, put stopgaps in place: Block your ex. Sign out of the social media app for a while, or delete it from your phone altogether. Odds are, you’re not missing much — except maybe a post from your elementary school friend.
